Fortunate Son

Excerpts from a novel I am reading:
"But in his heart he knew that she had been right. He still dreamed too much, and-what was worse and far more shameful-he dreamed of the wrong things."
"I am a fortunate man, he told himself. Heaven has smiled upon me, far beyond what I have earned, and I have everything I could want-or nearly so. I must accept these great riches and not ask more, lest I anger god with my greed. I am a fortunate man and I cannot, even in the foolishness of my secret heart, ever forget that."

I am forgetful. Or maybe my memory is just selective on what I keep and what I let slip away until I am left with only the bad things and the things I really ought to remember have been left by the wayside.
I am a dreamer. Quixotic is the best word I have ever heard to describe me. And I know it is the truth. I am a dreamer, plain and simple. To go along with that I am something of a massive pessimist. Is that even possible? I don't know. I am the most fanciful pessimist I know of though. And that ought to be worth something.
So why does any of this matter in the context of God and life? Why am I drawn to these passages? The answer is obvious and plain, but I feel the need to (literally) spell it out.
Greed. That is the only way I can say it. It is an ugly word and an uglier feeling and more so one of the ugliest feelings to be dwelling on. When you lack for nothing yet still feel lacking. When you know that you have everything you need and still want something outside of that. I can sit here and count the blessings I have, and were I to do that I would never do anything but count, as I would need to count every second as each one is a renewal of God's grace and a blessing in itself. I would need to, at some point, move on to count the stars which shine their beauty over me. And so I would begin and end each day with numbers until I end my days with one final blessing that is the end of breath.
For someone to sit here with everything, someone who deserves so much less than nothing, and yet to still want more, I don't know, it makes me sad. That I am not happy with happiness. I am discontent in my contentedness. It is not as though I desire riches or fame, no, the Maltese Falcon has nothing on my desire. But it is a noble pursuit I swear it. Yet it remains elusive and I remain ungrateful. A child with a million new toys, all the best and brightest, but he wants none of them, instead he stands eying the poor boy with a stick and a ball and a smile on his face that he will never know.
"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." -Romans 8:28
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed." Romans 8:18
And God says "My grace is sufficient for you." -2 Corinthians 12:9
We have before us a gift of unparalleled proportions. We have assurance even that though we might feel suffering in this life it is nothing compared to the greatness that is to come. We have a promise that all things are working for our good. And we know that we need nothing save God's grace.
And yet here I sit, like Jonah. See, I identify with Jonah. Mostly whiny Jonah from chapter four. Jonah is upset at God since he wanted God to destroy the Ninevites. So he plops down on a high hill in the sun and wind, then complains about being wind and sun burnt, God provides relief in the form of a gourd (depending on the translation....I like gourd best), then removes the gourd and Jonah is pissed. In fact, he wants to dies. Let's not forget that in chapter two, as Jonah was near death, he cried out and begged God to spare his life, and now he has such contempt for his situation, feeling sorry for himself, that he no longer wants to live. And sadly I must again admit that I see a touch of me in there.
I make things bad for me. My mistakes, my sin. Sinful by nature, yes, but also by choice. I know I am accountable for them all. So I know if it were up to me I'd be dead right now because I am too stupid or foolish to survive. But God provides. He gives me what I need to live and so much more. Blessed beyond measure. Now, when God chooses to withhold something or take something away, this upsets me.
I ought to know that "Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing (Psalm 34:10)" and "No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11)."
I know these are similar, but I see a slight difference. Not only do I lack no good thing, but if there is something I want that I do not have, that God is withholding, then it must not be a good thing. That is important and I wish I would remember it more often.
Because I am a fortunate man. And I pray that no matter how foolish my heart is, that no matter what I desire deep within me, that I will never forget that.